It was when I belonged to a Dance club of my high school I learned many important things which were needed to make my life better.
I watched an amazing dance at the welcome party for freshman when I entered the high school. Until that time, I haven’t watched such a performance before my eyes. Then I noticed that I was very impressed with them and feeling like to being the stars like them. But on the other hand, it seemed to be impossible for me to dance like them even if I could learn the dance. I was considering it for a week after that and then have decided to become a member of the dance club. The reason I made the decision was that I imagined myself to be a dancer like them, then thought if I could become like those people, I will be able to have a lot of confidence in myself.
After 2 years, I was dancing on the stage with confidence and got much clapping from the audience. It wasn’t easy to learn how to dance. I practiced many times, in the early morning before the class begin, in a break time after a lunch, after school and even on the weekend. Through the experience, I learned also cooperation and perseverance.
Sometimes I lose my confidence before I act something although I don’t know whether I can do it or not. But I learned that even if I couldn’t achieve the goal, I will not regret for trying it, provided that I do my best. So now I think doing my best make me have confidence and also having confidence make me move to forward.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
CONTENT
ReplyDeleteThis is a personal narrative, and it sounds like something that really happened to you, so that’s good. (Just because something really happened does not necessarily mean that it sounds like it really happened, so you really did accomplish something important by making it sound real.) However, there are some problems with the structure. The first sentence should be part of the first paragraph; do not separate it. Put a space between each paragraph, or indent every paragraph after the first one so that the reader can tell which paragraph is which; paragraphs help the reader follow what you wrote because we expect each paragraph to concentrate on one main idea.
After it’s separated into three paragraphs, we can see that the second and the third paragraphs are much shorter than the first one. Therefore, it looks like something is wrong: either the first paragraph is probably too long, or the second and the third paragraphs are probably too short. I think that the second and the third paragraphs are too short.
I will rewrite your first paragraph because you have the “parts,” but you need some help with cohesiveness, grammar, and vocabulary. I want you to look at what I write, and then I want you to expand what you have in the second and the third paragraphs. Do not just add words to add words; instead, think about the function of everything that you write (I go over some of that in “COHESIVENESS.”), add what you’re missing, arrange things so that the writing flows well, and make it easy for the writer to understand the connection between the “parts” and the whole thing.
COHESIVENESS
The first paragraph feels complete, and it flows fairly well. It seems to be arranged more or less chronologically, and that’s probably a good strategy. However, the second paragraph seems to be incomplete, and it’s kind of confusing. I think that you should probably follow a chronological order, and you should probably, also, have something between needing a lot of practice and dancing on stage with confidence 2 years later. The third paragraph is connected to the whole narrative in terms of the lessons that you learned (cooperation and perseverance), but you should probably make direct references to dancing. In addition, you write, “I learned that even if I couldn’t achieve [my] goal, I will not regret … trying …,” but you did not give us an example of that. In your example, it appears as though you learned that you can achieve your goal if you try, so say that, or say something like, “Even if I didn’t achieve my goal, I wouldn’t regret trying because ….”
GRAMMAR AND VOCABULARY
I rewrote the first paragraph:
After I joined my high school dance club, I learned many important things that I needed to make my life better. I watched some amazing dancing at the welcome party for freshman when I entered high school. Until that time, I hadn’t ever seen such a performance. I was very impressed with them, and I felt like they were stars. But on the other hand, it seemed to be impossible for me to dance like them, even if I could learn the dances. I thought about it for a week, and then I decided to become a member of the dance club. The reason I made the decision was I imagined myself dancing like them; I thought that if I could become like one of those people, I would have a lot of confidence in myself.
Now, as I mentioned, I want you to rewrite the second and the third paragraphs.